What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
I want to stretch with you.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
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