Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
I love you from my head tomato
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
That crazy little sun of a beach.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
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