Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Let’s get elf-ed up.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
I have a heart-on for you.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.
He went from the ladle to the grave.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
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