The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
I beg your garden?
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
My moment in the sun.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
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