How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
"On cloud wine."
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
"Some people have no guts."
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Go to BabaMail
