After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
We make a great pear
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
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