Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
Don’t be elfish.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
Beach you to it.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
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