I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
I'm pine-ing for you.
"Some people have no guts."
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
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