“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Want to be workout buddies?
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
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