When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
I think my heart just lagged.
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
You are my raisin to smile.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
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