What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
I have a heart-on for you.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
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