What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I sulfur when you argon.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
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