What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
I think we need to become better strangers.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
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