If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
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