What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
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