“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
Are you a model?
Look for a rainbow connection.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
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