What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
It's ice to meet you.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
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