A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Up to snow good.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
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