What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
"It's not me, it's you!"
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
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