Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
I like your tight end
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
How was Heaven when you left it?
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
My love for you is like no otter.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
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