Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
You snow the drill.
I'm snow bored.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
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