The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Birch, please.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
"No eggs-cuses."
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
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