If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
You really mermaid my day.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
"Time to wine down."
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Your lab or my lab?
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
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