What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
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