Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
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