I'm Havana dream about you.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

"It's not me, it's you!"

What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.

What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.

I'm snow bored.

What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna

What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.

True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.

Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.

“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”

"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty

Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.

How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!

I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey

How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.

My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.

It's always a first class trip with me.

After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.

Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr

This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.

Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.

What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.

Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.

What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!

What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!

My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.

“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings

"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl

Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!

Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck

Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

Take a page from the book and leaf.