Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
I'd run miles just to be with you.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
I fence-y you.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
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