Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!

An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.

My fire tonight...
Was lit!

What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.

How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?

Aaron you glad I messaged you first?

What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.

What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome

When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"

My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!

What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function

“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.

Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.

Keep calm and leprech-on.

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.

Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.

“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck

Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.

What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english

The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

You read, white, and blew my mind.

What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower

You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?

What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.