Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Honestly, I really lilac you.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
"What an egg-citing day."
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Gold riddance.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
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