Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.

What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!

What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?

If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.

"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman

Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.

A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."

Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.

Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.

The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.

“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott

Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne

Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.

“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.

Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

"Time to wine down."

Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.

My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”

Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?

“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock

The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.

What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.

You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.

Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.

I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.

My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.

What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!

What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.

Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.

What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.

What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.

I think you're barbe-cute.

“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds

I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.

What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.

What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!