I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
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