What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic

Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me

Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."

“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.

I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.

Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.

What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.

What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!

A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!

"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."

One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.

"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.

You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.

What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.

I have the final sleigh.

My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.

Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...

It hertz.

What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.

What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.

Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.

"Yoda one for me."

What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.

“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.

Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.

"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin

"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

I’m soy into you.

What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.

Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.

Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….

Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."