Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Go to BabaMail
