Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
You’re sweeter than fructose.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Aloha is a soft laugh.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
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