What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
"I need to re-wine my life."
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
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