I’m stuck on you like igloo.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What does a house wear?
Address.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
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