I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
It’s party thyme.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
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