Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
I whale always love you.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
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