Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
My love for you is like no otter.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
You met all of my koala-fications
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
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