What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
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