Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
I'm Havana dream about you.
Tropic like it's hot.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
Feeling my shelf.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Give me your number so I can make the call.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
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