Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
We’ll have a ball.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
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