Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Come witch me to the party.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Seas the day!
Whale, hello there.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
My fridge is hotter than you.
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
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