What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
If trees could kill you, they wood.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
I’m feelin’ pine.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
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