How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
"Sip happens."
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
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