What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Cutest clover in the patch.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
You make miso happy.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
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