This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
"Happy eggster."
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Time to spruce things up.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
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