I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
It's lit.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Go to BabaMail
