How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
You’re wine in a million.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
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