Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
Readers do it by the book.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
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