What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams

If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.

What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.

I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.

The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.

Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!

What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.

How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.

At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"

Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

I'm not gay but I'll learn.

Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.

What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.

Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.

We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Having a ball this weekend with my best friends

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle

I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.

I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.

The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.

What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.

Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"

What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.

Fall makes me g-leaf-full!

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.

I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.

Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?

Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.

Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.

What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!

Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.