Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Baby you make my telescope expand.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
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