When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV

What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.

Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!

Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.

What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."

What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise

What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ivan.

Ivan who?

Ivan to do something naughty with you.

Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.

I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.

When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.

The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.

Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers

What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!

What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.

St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!

I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.

What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.

Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.

Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.

You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.

The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore

Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous

Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.

[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"