Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Your love will always be up to par.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
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