Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
You're a Catch Worthy of a Gold Glove
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
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