I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
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