Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
You had me at cello.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
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