Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
You look like my future ex wife.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
You set my heart bonfire.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
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