What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
That’s a bit mulch.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
I’ll never fir-get.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
"You deserve better and so do I."
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
You have been running through my mind all day.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
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