My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
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