I sulfur when you argon.
"Dying to have fun."
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
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