Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Your lab or my lab?
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
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