Come witch me to the party.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.

My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”

Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.

Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.

What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.

But it’s actually a common mist-conception.

I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."

You can put your hands at my heart’s center.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright

An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."

A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.

When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?

Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.

“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein

A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.

I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant

What eats laptops? Computer worms.

I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?

I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...

In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.

"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.

Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.

"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"

What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!

A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"

The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.

What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!

Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.

Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.

Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.

How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear