“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock

What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic

"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.

Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.

Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.

Can I take a few shots at your goal?

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!

My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.

Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.

Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.

Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.

I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.

"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson

You looked better when I was drunk.

The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

- Groucho Marx.

You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.

Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.

Chrome wasn't built in a day.

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.

Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.

If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!

You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.

What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.

Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...

It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.

“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette

Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”

"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel

What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!

Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.

What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.

What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.

Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.

The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.

My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.

Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.

Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.

What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.

After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.

What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.

What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.

I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.